I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
