I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
