I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
