Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
