what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize