I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just want nice things and good sex
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
