she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
