Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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