nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
