I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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