I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
