I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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