Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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