you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
