you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
