just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
