The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
