Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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