To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
