You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
