My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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