did you get engaged???
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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