It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
