I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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