Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
