Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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