I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
