Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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