I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think a kid would responsible me up
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
