Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
