You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
