My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
