Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
