well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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