you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
