ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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