You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
