I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
