I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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