Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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