Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
