I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
