so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
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