The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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