What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
