and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Send help, water and tortillas.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
