no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
