Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
