I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
