as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
