just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They took my balls.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize