Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He has the fingertips of a God
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
