In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize