When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
