I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize