sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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