I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Of course I have a pirate flag
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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