I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
