So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
