I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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